I could never understand what made me so angry each time you said you cared about me. Stating it to others as though I am someone to be adored. I never showed you the same care nor thought even though we knew it was us children against the world.
You were, are, the part of me I could not allow to take control. Fortunately, I have always been more inclined towards the part that was more similar to Her. I was more calculated and numb and you were careless and feeling.
You are everything I hate but also everything I hate to see harmed. However, I was always weak and will always be. Your carelessness made you do things you ought not. Your feelings clouded your thinking and caused what you want to win over what you need to do.
Even now I defend my way of thinking. If I do not then I must admit my way to be wrong. Admitting my way to be right however I am at war with myself because then I admit Her way to have been better.
You are similar to Father but fortunately are not afflicted with his addictions. In that regard, you are more like Mother who is simple-minded and easily controlled given a purpose such that is suited like daily chores and further convinced of worth like having a child to mind.
No, my way is better. It might be reminiscent of Her way but I have improved on it. The mistake was always to allow the family a foothold. The pattern was always simple and we knew it well. She would allow us freedoms such as seeing cousins or our parents then use them as an excuse for anything she deemed misbehaving.
No, my way is better. I can not allow a foothold from anyone. when you request help, I can not help. If you are hurt I need to consider why are you hurt. What did you do to cause such a thing to happen? Your children will suffer under the same fate.
Many are like that. Many have their whole lives to reflect on and realise the harm they have caused themselves in the future. Father must know that even if he is to be murdered that it is by his own hand.
So must you know that I do not hate you but merely what you do and have done. You are of no concern to me. That was the mistake She always made, She always allowed them to think they matter to Her.
I do not write this to insult or belittle you. I know you are as good a mother to your children as you could possibly be given who you are. I recognize the same faults in myself and for that reason will never allow a child in my life. You have endured more than I ever could, and I acknowledge that I attempt to avoid having to endure anything by shutting it all out.
I do however see all that you have endured as a direct consequence of your actions. The inability to compromise with the world and to recognize your position.
Although none of this need be said, I felt to write this regardless. This is as much me criticising a part of myself as it is a rebuke.
I wish for you to wish me dead.
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